The Reality Portal
Sweep us away from this living joke that is Joel's Army and back to the realm of reason and sense! What's the Point of this Wiki? Simply put, there are three reasons that I invested (wasted) my time with this. The first reason is public protest through satire. I legitimately despise this movement and I chose to protest its existence through the classiest way imaginable: butthole jokes. The second reason is because I want to raise awareness of this potentially dangerous group of morons. No...I don't find them dangerous because of their tattoos, piercings and 'tough guy attitudes.' I don't even give them the satisfaction of saying that they're whackos. These people are just opportunistic pieces of filth who are twisting "spirituality" into a way to manipulate and damage impressionable young people. These kids might actually have problems or serious issues in their life that need real attention...not some jack-off in an Affliction shirt telling them that their greater purpose is killing atheists in the name of Jesus. If you still care, the third reason is because I need a completely off-hand and abstract way to warm up when I sit down to do serious work. Making fun of these scroti is like doing stretches for my writing muscles. Why Ass Jokes? It all started pretty organically. I was talking with some friends about religion and I mentioned Joel's Army after having read about the group a few years prior in an FBI watchlist newsletter (they're considered a potential threat to homeland security because they're brainwashing kids to be violent and militant.) A few minutes after the discussion, we spotted a guy wearing a bunch of "edgy" clothing, like paramilitary stuff with crosses and swords embroidered on it. You know, the shit that almost every guy 15-25 wears now. He was identified as a definite candidate for Joel's Army and laughed at accordingly. He was also wearing cheap purple Walmart flip-flops which I remarked "could be fed slowly up his ass to activate his Divine Holy Shield." And thus the legend was born and all of the subsequent Joel's Army mythology was developed around bad clothing choices and shoving things up your ass. What Can We Do To Help? These people are seriously fucked up and should be stopped. THIS IS NOT a warning about their militant image or anything like that. It doesn't take too many OC grenades and fire hoses to put an end to an "army" made up of brainwashed tweens....especially when it's led by chodes incarnate like "Lou Engel" who looks like he blew out his sphincter while trying too hard to perform street magic. NOTE: If skinny-jeans wearing, emo toolbelts like that kid are all that's standing in the way of Judgement day, we're all fucked anyway. Hell, I'll side with Satan as long as I don't have to get that fucking haircut and wear my sister's clothes like this dude. '' Yeah, these are the type of people who would feel GOOD to think that other people are intimidated by them. But I'm not, and no reasonable person should be. These people aren't going to start a war or kick down your door. They're going to sit-on-ass, count their piles of ill-gotten money, talk their pseudo-religious bullshit, and get more fucking stupid tattoos of Jesus praying over kanji symbols. What IS scary is that they are going to pull psychologically weak or injured young people into their fold and fuck them up even worse. ''Does this guy look like a prophet? Fuck no, but he says he is. Does he look like a spiritual leader, or even someone you'd want talking to your kids? Of course not...but because he hides his fucked up bullshit in Christianity and "youth ministry," people eat it up. I'm not judging this tool because of his tattoos or other aspects of his image...not entirely. I'm judging him on his image because he uses it to lure in and "relate to" young people. Beyond that, I don't give a fuck who does or doesn't have tattoos. I have them...my 60-year-old mother has them. Bully for you, Mr. Tough Prophet Evangelist Ballbag. I do judge this asshole on how stupid his nonsense is. Read up on him, I insist...but here's a small excerpt from an article (which was also verbatim in the FBI watch list that I read years ago.) : Bentley, who claims to be a supernatural healer, is no less over the top, playing his biker-punk appearance and heavy metal theatrics to the hilt. On YouTube, where clips of his most dramatic healings have been condensed into a three-minute highlight reel, Bentley describes God ordering him to kick an elderly lady in the face: "I am thinking, 'God, why is the power of God not moving?' And He said, 'It is because you haven't kicked that women in the face.' And there was, like, this older lady worshipping right in front of the platform and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and the gift of faith came on me. He said, 'Kick her in the face … with your biker boot.' I inched closer and I went like this kicking motion: Bam! And just as my boot made contact with her nose, she fell under the power of God." Oh WOW! Todd! You're so cool! God himself even acknowledged that you wear "biker boots" because that's how fucking cool you are! Give me a break. You're a fucking hack con-artist and a shameful piece of shit for using "spirituality" as a cover for your little rock show. Shame on you for deceiving and manipulating young people. Shame on you for keeping those in need from real spiritual guidance. I just hope this douche realizes one thing... the day could come when he pushes this shit too far, and some kid or some group of kids is going to think his nonsense is real. They're also going to learn that their "spiritual army" is about as organized, ruthless and well-trained as a bad drum circle in the park. So when they get their asses handed to them, it's on your hands "General" Bentley. Your pudgy, tattooed, multiple ring-wearing hands.